Alia, Maria Aur ACP

Mumbai:

There was a massive uproar on social networking sites after Maria Sharapova said she did not know Sachin Tendulkar. In all the friction created by this event, there were many who called Sharapova the Alia Bhatt of Russia. In recent times, Alia Bhatt has been called names too, and tales of her dumbness knowledge have circulated the internet.

To refute people’s claims that Sharapova is as dumb clever as her, Alia has launched a new campaign to solidify her position as the most idiotic knowledgeable Indian. She was shown pictures of famous people and she began denying she knew them; one of them being her own father.

But the clincher for Alia came when she denied knowing Rajnikanth, the God in the south, and the mega movie star. South India is now in pandemonium regarding this, and yet Alia Bhatt continues to not identify famous personnel from India and also around the world.

 

An example of Alia's smartness
PC: Facebook

Alia’s fans went viral late yesterday, and began saying that Alia’s general knowledge is the best, and no Maria can contest her.

One fan said that, “Who is this Maria in comparison to our Alia. Alia is the best, and she has the best brain in the world. If Maria does not know Sachin, the God of Cricket; then Alia doesn’t know Rajnikanth.”

In addition to this, ACP Pradyuman of the CID has said that he can beat anyone including Alia with his knowledge skills. While demonstrating his characteristic right hand thumb rule, he said, “Alia kaun hai? Hai kaun yeh Alia? Aur yeh Maria aur Rajnikanth kaun hai? Mujhe toh daal mein kuch kaala lag raha hai.”

ACP Pradyuman has also been very well known on the social networking circuit for his brainless bright and sharp deductions and inferences, and we are sure that his claim carries some weight too.

 

Just don't kill me for this logic

There is also speculation that Rahul Gandhi will soon join the race, but the fight to be the dumbest brainiest Indian continues for now between two contenders, ACP Pradyuman and Alia Bhatt.

 

PC: Facebook

PS: This post is not meant to hurt religious, political or cultural sentiments; nor the sentiments of CID fans, tennis and Sharapova fans, and even the fans of Alia Bhatt. Most of all, the sentiments of Rajnikanth Sir and his fans must not be hurt. Do post your thoughts at the bottom of the page.

Lying Tennis

Delhi:

Mr. Arvind Kejriwal has made a shocking claim to the whole world that the Wimbledon is fixed. After letting these charges float in midair, he has said that he will fight for Andy Murray and Rafael Nadal, after they were knocked out against not-so-well-known opponents.

After shunning cricket and claiming it was fixed, Kejriwal had shifted his attention to tennis. He was sure that it was a clean game, and there would be no fixing and cheating involved in it. But after seeing Nadal and Murray losing out on the trophy, he changed his mind and said that he wants justice.

“This game must be renamed from lawn tennis to lying tennis. Murray and Nadal were my favorites and I have won so many online tennis games by choosing them, but with others I would always lose. They cannot lose like this, and I’m sure it is a very big racket which has kicked them out. I am also prepared for dharna on this issue and will do it outside Wimbledon stadium too if needed.”

When told that this has happened previously too, he denied comment and then later said, “The past is the past. We must come out of it and live in the present, and this is the present.”

To investigate this case, Kejriwal has also called in the CID team who are already en route to London to solve this case.

Before leaving, ACP Pradyuman was heard saying, “Kejriwal sahab ne ilzaam lagaya hai. Iska matlab samjhe Daya? Iska matlab Wimbledon valon pe aarop hai.”

Meanwhile play has continued in London, and there are many praying in India that the plane carrying the boring brave CID officers crashes so they do not have to put up with more of their comedy crime solving.

Abhijeet responded to this via Twitter where he said, “CID ko maarna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai.”

An hour later, the CID had solved the case, and they released a statement that they had found the racket and broken it. Due to this, Kejriwal is now doing dharna against CID for tricking him and visiting London at his cost.

PS: This post is not meant to hurt and political, sports, religious or even CID fans’ sentiments. This was just written to entertain and to tickle your funny bones.

Murder on the Orient Express

There are those times when we get the weirdest of ideas, and when we check them out, they feel uhm…crazy! This is one of those ideas I got while browsing online. I have just tried to incorporate the Queen of Mysteries, Agatha Christie, and the best Crime Detection Team of India, the CID. I guess the Hindi phrase ‘Kahan Raja Bojh, Kahan Gangu Taili’ was made for this. But well, trying stuff is necessary, and even though I received threats of being nuked, here I am with a trial at this new combination. For more details on the Christie story I’m using, please click here.

CID team is abroad on vacation. The team consists of ACP Pradyuman, Abhijeet, Daya, Dr. Salunkhe, Freddy and Dr. Tarika.

Suddenly ACP receives a call.

ACP: Haan mein CID se ACP Pradyuman bol raha hun. Oho…toh aisi baat hai! Hum log pahunchte hai.

Team looks at him.

Abhijeet (A): Kya hua Sir? Sab thik toh hai na?

ACP: Abhijeet, ek khush khabri hai. London mein MI5 ne hume bulaya hai. Unka ek purana case padha hai toh voh solve karne hume bula rahe hai.

Daya (D): Yeh toh vakai khushi ki baat hai.

ACP: Sab saaman le lena yahan se, hum London se hi vapas India chale jayenge.

On the train.

A: Yeh toh badi shandaar train hai. Kaisi lagi aapko Tarika ji?

Salunkhe (S): Kabhi hume bhi aisa puch liya karo yaar. Hum kuch jyada bade nahi hai Tarika se.

A: Kya Salunkhe sahab, ACP sahab toh kehte hai ke voh aapse 10 saal chote hai.

S: Tum uss buddhe ka mat suno. Sathiya gaya hai voh toh.

ACP walks in.

ACP: Kiski baat kar rahe ho Salunkhe? Apne bare mein aisa bolte nahi. Kuch jyada bade nahi ho tum mujhse. Ab sab log sone jao. Subeh jaldi pahunch jayenge hum. Bahut tez jaati hai yeh Orient Express.

Freddy (F): Light se bhi tez jaati hai kya?

All walk away.

A scream shatters the silence of the night and the full team assembles in seconds.

A: Sir, kya aapne cheenkh suni?

D: Bahut bhayanak si thi.

ACP: Awaaz toh mujhe bhi aayi. Zarur kuch hua hai Daya. Sambhalke chalo, khatra bhi ho sakta hai.

Daya knocks on door in his trademark style.

D: Darwaza kholo, hum CID se hai.

Even though they are in Europe, the reply comes through in Hindi. (#RIPLOGIC)

From inside: Mein thik hun, bass gir gaya tha.

D: Disturb karne ke liye maafi chahta hun.

A: Sir, mujhe toh pakka kuch gadbad lag rahi hai.

ACP (shaking his hand in Right Hand Rule which makes his brain work sharper): Mujhe bhi aisa hi lag raha hai. Ek kaam karo, Freddy tum yahan par raat bhar pehra de do. Aur Abhijeet, tum pata lagao ke yeh train mein hamare alava hai, toh hai kaun.

After some time, the train has stopped and Freddy has gone to sleep in the corridor. Daya wakes up, and notices something strange going on.

D: Abhijeet, utho. Yahan kuch gadbad lag rahi hai.

A: Kya hua Daya? Aree yeh train kyun ruk gayi hai? Aur bahar itni awaazein kyun aa rahi hai?

D: ACP Sir ko phone karke bula, mein jaake dekhta hun tab tak.

All assemble to find Freddy sleeping. He is in fact unconscious, so after spraying some water on his face.

F: Mein kahan hun?

ACP: Kisne behosh kiya tumhe Freddy?

F: Mein yahan baitha hua tha aur pehra de raha tha. Achanak piche se koi aaya aur fir mein behosh ho gaya.

Daya: Sir, yeh toh bahut badi gadbad hai.

ACP: Check karo Daya, ke sab passenger gaye kahan.

D: Sir, yeh darwaza toh khula hua hai.

As they enter room.

A: Oh my God! Hum late ho gaye Sir, yeh mar chuka hai.

ACP: Kitni berehmi se kiya hai khoon. Salunkhe ko bulao aur body ki jaanch karvao. Khooni bachne nahi paye.

A: Sir mein voh passenger ki list le aata hun. Shayad kuch pata lag jaaye.

ACP: Very good Abhijeet. Daya, tum train ko aage badhne se roko, aur jama karo sab passengers ko. Mein MI5 mein khabar deta hun ke hume thodi der ho jayegi aane mein.

Salunkhe starts examining body, and Daya brings all passengers.

ACP: Kisne kiya hai khoon?

Passengers: Nahi pata Sir. Hum toh so rahe the. Fir train ruki, isliye driver ko puchne gaye the ke kuch problem hai.

ACP: Hmm.

Daya: Sahi bol rahe hai Sir, sab mujhe train ke engine mein hi mile. Aur mujhe jo awaazein aayi thi voh yehi log the. Chal kar aage jaa rahe the.

ACP: Thike, sab dining room mein baitho. Aage ki tehkikaat hum vahin karenge.

Salunkhe: Ider aana Boss. Yeh maamla toh kuch aur hi hai.

ACP: Bolo Salunkhe, kya hua?

Salunkhe: Tarika se pucho. Isne hi dhunda hai.

A: Salunkhe sahab, aap retire hi ho jao. Tarika ji hi kaam karti hai sab vaise bhi. Pension vension leke maze karlo. Kab tak inn murdon ke saath vacation manaoge.

Tarika: Iski maut chaku se ki gayi hai, aur isse 12 baar maara gaya hai. Jo baat mere samajh mein nahi aayi Sir, voh yeh hai ke sab ghaav alag jhor se kiye gaye hai. Dono haath ka istamal kiya gaya hai voh bhi.

ACP: Oho! Iska matlab daal mein zarur kuch kaala hai.

A: Sir, daal mein kuch kaala nahi, puri daal hi kaali hai. Yeh dekhiye mujhe kya mila hai.

ACP: Oh my God! Chalo jaldi dining car. Unse hi puchte hai ke yeh mamla hai kya.

In the dining car.

ACP: Hume khooni ka pata chal gaya hai. Par voh batane se pehle, mujhe aap yeh bataiye ke Daisy Armstrong kaun thi? Hume sab pata chal gaya hai. Kuch chupta nahi CID se. Aap sab ek dusre ko jaante the, aur aap sab ne milke khoon kiya hai.

Salunkhe: ACP sahab, yahan aao. Yeh dekhlo.

ACP: Haan bol Salunkhe? Aur kuch boli yeh teri soyi hui dost?

Salunkhe: Nahi. Par aur bahut cheezen mili hai. Room mein paani ka glass tha, aur usme davai mili hui thi. Aur yeh sab bikhra hua mila. Lagta hai iska marna toh pakka tha hi.

D: Aapka shak sahi nikla. Yeh toh sab mile hue hai.

A: Par yeh log ek dusre ko pehchaan kyun nahi rahe?

ACP: Mamla kuch aur hi hai. Chalo pata lagate hai. Bulao sabko yahan.

Everyone walks in.

A: Hume pata chal gaya hai khooni kaun hai. Usne apne fingerprints chod diye aur hamare super Salunkhe ne usse dhund liya.

D: Sab line mein aa jao. Ek ek karke sabki fingerprint check karte hai.

Everyone goes for check, and last person runs out of line.

ACP: Tarika, pakdo usse.

Tarika runs and catches the old woman, Mrs. Hubbard and slaps her hard.

ACP: Kyun kiya yeh sab tumne? Batao!

Mrs. Hubbard: Usne meri poti ko maar diya, aur fir kidnapping ke paise le kar bhaag gaya. Ussi ki vajah se meri beti aur mera saara parivaar bikhar gaya. Court bhi kuch nahi kar paayi uske paise ke saamne. Fir meine plan banaya, aur inn sabko saath liya. Humne puri train book kar li, taaki khoon karne ke baad kisiko kuch pata nahi chale, par fir aap log aa gaye.

ACP: CID se koi bach nahi sakta. Insaaf nahi mila tumhe, par tumhe kanoon apne haathon mein nahi lena chaiye tha. Isse giraftar karlo, aur train ko London le chalo. Itna berehmi se khoon kiya hai tumne, ab jail mein baithke banana aise sab plan; faansi ka order aane tak.