In
recent times, I have become quite a pro-active criticizer of Bollywood, and I would
like to thank movies like the third parts of the Dhoom and Krrish series for
it. I also owe it to the increasing exposure I have got to Hollywood movies and
also to the internet which provides very clean reviews of movies. So, I have tried
to fill this whole post with something I do not wish to let you know now. Read on,
and then comment what you think it is. I had put a part of it on Facebook, as
some of you will realize (but do read the rest); the others, you can read on,
and then do send me a friend request to remain in touch.
This
post was inspired by my dear friend and brother, Adithya Manikumar who put up a
new type of review of Dhoom 3. You can read it here.
After seeing Dhoom 3 and then the Prestige, I decided that I could not let
Bollywood remain and earn like this. I so wanted to vent out my feelings for
them and so, here I begin.
How to make a
Bollywood movie which earns hundreds of crores?
Start
seeing Hollywood movies for good concepts, and mix some of them and use them as
one. Then add a desi touch to it, and spice it up with some drama, which can be
stolen from Yash Raj movies, some emotions and a twist which usually involves a
handicap or some heart numbing disease to one of the main character’s family
members. Then sign up a couple of Superstars, a good looking actress, and some
irritating side heroes to act as mosquitoes. Give the actress an item song,
sung and made by Yo Yo Honey Singh to provide glamour to the movie, and also
get her to pose for the posters. Your movie is ready. Just before the movie
releases, make sure you go to Comedy Night with Kapil to get Dadi’s shagun ki
pappi or your movie will get Babaji ka Thullu.
The
script doesn’t matter, and the amount you earn is directly proportional to the
money you use to influence people to see your movie. Now sit back and enjoy the
Box Office flood.
What thoughts
should you have if your movie fails to earn money, but gets enough stars from
critics?
You
must feel proud. You have made a sensible movie which does NOT contain
Bollywood drama, any superstars, or a good actress. All you have is a logical
plot with a good script based on a concept which is above the understanding of
the Bollywood Cheese lovers. Be happy that your thinking is higher than that of
a majority of the audience, and do party hard.
How to make a
Bollywood music album? Hit or flop doesn’t matter; it’s all your luck.
Hear
songs from languages other than English and Hindi, and then use the background
music and the tunes you just heard for your songs. This can be done for all the
songs, except those you want as hits. The main objective is to get hit songs,
and that is dealt with in the next question.
How to make a
hit Bollywood song?
Get
Yo Yo Honey Singh and/or Arijit Singh to sing the song. The beats must be
copied from somewhere or must be the same as used for other songs. The song
must be released after the whole album, and the video must prove irresistible
for the viewers, so that they need to watch the song again and again to see
THAT stuff. Another option would be to revamp an old Bollywood song and mix it
up with beats, and some new lyrics. Your HIT song is ready!
Here
ends my prowess with Bollywood, and now I move on to some more How-To’s.
How to make an
Ekta Kapoor type drama serial?
Get
a large bungalow for the hero who lives with loads of relatives. His wife has
to be very innocent, and she must be able to weep buckets on the dialogues and
actions of her wicked saas. This should
happen for a majority of the time, and this will work only if there is the
presence of vivid sarees, and intricate yet heavy ornaments for all the women. Lastly,
find an old Bollywood song, and use its title as the name of your serial. Your
drama serial is ready!
How to get a
place in the Indian Cricket Team?
Get
selected in the Chennai Super Kings, and make sure you catch the eye of the
selectors with some cameo innings, and you will be through. After getting
selected, there will always be the chance of being thrown out, so when they
give you a warning, play well for a couple of innings, and hope that someone
else plays worse than you.
Now
the bumper question, the one which brought you till here- the title!
How to make your
blog better than others?
Well,
I don’t know this, and nor I ever will. I used this as the title to just
attract you to read the whole article. And to be frank, my blog isn’t as well,
eh? I’m just a teenager and bla bla bla as my Blogger profile says, so please
help me out and put your feedback of my blog in the comments section below.
PS:
This post is not meant to hurt any sentiments. I have just said what I felt
about movies and TV serials, and regarding the cricket question, well, I am a die-hard
CSK fan myself. This is just an attempt to tickle your funny bone, so just try to
laugh a bit on the above boring jokes. I apologize again for the title which
still remains unanswered.
