The Xpose

I don’t usually see movies first day, first show; but when I do, I make sure they’re epic.

The Xpose. That too on the day when the BJP, or we can say Mr. Narendra Modi, xposed the Congress in front of the nation. No no, not another scam, but the election results. With the repeated say that the oncoming TsuNaMo was mere speculation, the TsuNaMo came and destroyed the strongholds and swept the open regions.

So, two of my favorite topics have come up at the same time, and after a long week of not writing at all, I’m confused. But well, both the themes are quite the same, so I’ll mix them and make something up.

Statutory warning: This review is my own, and I guess seeing the movie takes me to higher ground. Please do not fall off your seats (do act and fall off on your own if the humor doesn’t reach you :P).

PS: You can skip watching it, unless you want to experience the gut-wrenching dialogues. This review could act as a spoiler by spoiling the already lackluster suspense.

Flashback mode- as is common with quite a lot of Bollywood films, but his was really good, and the transition was done well enough. No, really! Himesh isn’t that bad too, come on!

The Congress falls off a roof, and the police claims it’s not suicide but murder. Has to be murder, or else the film wouldn’t be made, would it?

The shot changes with Rajnath Singh telling Narendra Modi, “Tumhe sirf 1 kaam karna hoga iss baar. No rally, no voter ka patane ka dose, only Xpose”.

In the background, Kejriwal stealthily listens and writes this down.

Ujjwal Nirmal Sheetal! Modi walks onto screen with a lota and his 56 inch chest and pours water into the Ganga.

 

Photo Credits: Faking News

Cut! Perfect Shot! Instead of the director saying this, it’s the people of Varanasi and the nation who cheer and shout this out loud.

Kejriwal watches and then does the same in the back drop, but no one takes any notice.

Enter RaGa. There plays the retro beat, and with Modi standing at the top of the staircase and raising his glass of chaas to him, the young Gandhi begins.

Mummy mere jaisa yahan koi nahi,

Mujhe pata hai tu kal soyi nahi,

Sabko pata hai tujhe lag gaya darr,

Sachi bata de lag gaya kab.

Ice cream khayunga, cartoon dekhunga,

Janpath jayunga Priyanka.

O Amit, O Smriti, O Sushma, O Rajnath,

Yeh saal jo bhiiii,

Jo hona hai ho jaane do.

Then begin the fights and the Bollywood/Political drama. Some love is spent as the SP enters with their own song, and as it is Himesh, even the dialogues rhyme at times. (Well, the serious dialogues were funny enough to transform the renowned multiplex into a small cinema hall which echoed with shrill laughter and whistles every time Himesh spoke.)

Back to the SP!

Everybody,

This is my story,

This is what I feel every day,

Har election, I am alone,

Desh nahi jaane,

Ke mein hun kaun,

I am secular, please be mine,

Jo vote tu dede,

Then I’ll be fine.

Baaton baaton mein voh kya baat ho gayi,

Congress achanak se saath ho gayi,

Apni jeet par BJP ki maat ho jayegi,

Maat ho jayegi.

Labh khule nahi magar,

Maulana ne kar diya ishaara,

(Looks to screen and winks)

Hai apni party toh awaara.

In the middle of the songs, there are those dialogues I mentioned. The ones I am using are a bit censored, but I hope that you have heard the originals in the trailer.

“Agar tu Modi hai, toh mein bhi Sonia hun, tere vote bank ko polarize karke hi rahungi.”

Modi replies: Jo karna hai karlo, par desh bhi jaanta hai. Mein bhale chote Gujarati ghar mein paida hua, par kaam mein azaadi dilane vale hi karunga.

The story moves and comes to the present day. Counting day arrives and as the numbers start coming in, well you guessed right. Another song, and this time by NaMo himself.

Vote ko churalu,

Alliance bhi tudvayu tera mein,

Catch me if you can Pappu,

Catch me if you can.

Dil mein nahi chupaya,

Sabko khulke bataya,

Kamal dikhta hai sabko har roz,

Hothon pe mere aaya abhi,

Samajh gaya mein bhi,

Haara tu kyunki scams tere ho gay expose,

Vote ko churaya meine,

Election jeeta hai meine,

Run Madamji run Pappu,

If you can!

As the Delhi counting is done, the AAP loses its vindictive power and stops talking (temporarily) of the Ambanis and the Adanis, and submits to the results. The BJP reacts to them.

BJP: Jitne tumhare Bharat desh mein seat hai, utne seat toh humne almost har state mein jeete hai.

The Congress begins to weep, and as the results are almost sure, they begin singing ‘Dard Dilo Ke’ while looking at all the opposition parties.

The quick BJP responds instantly.

Jije ka bawandar,

Toffee ki zamine,

2G aur 3G bhi hai,

Aur hai Coalgate ki duniya,

Iss election mein tu toh gaya,

Tu toh gaya.

In all this, the Congress starts blaming the innocent Dr. Manmohan Singh, who did take some of the limelight due to his quiet attitude. As the final proceedings of blaming are on, a new party enters as Ravi Kumar (Himesh Reshamiya) and explains his perfect theory.

The Congress and AAP had an affair, but then instead of eating into the anti-Congress vote, the AAP ate the Congress vote, and the Congress slipped. Fall number 1, but this isn’t the striking blow. Then comes the Modi wave, and the Congress falls to the ground dead.

As they all begin to exit, the new comer is cornered by AIADMK and TMC, who demand an explanation. What for? But it’s always love isn’t it? The new entrant confesses that he saw the Congress destroyed completely when it heard that these two parties almost got more votes than them. The love is shared and there forms a new alliance. They all live happily ever after.

Well, see The Xpose, and then you shall see the clear picture. Torture- not really. Its new, it’s a comedy of errors with its fabulous dialogues, but it just messes up the suspense at the end like all Bollywood movies do. A mention for the role played by Irrfan Khan as the narrator, and in this Xpose, the role goes to the media and mainly Rajdeep and Arnab.

Last word, leave your brains at home, make some time, and enjoy the AC whenever you feel bored and there is practically nothing important happening on screen. There I end with the hope that Himesh keeps coming back with such new ways to make us laugh. I guess he is the true king of Comedy as even he doesn’t realize that the audience is laughing on his suspense thrillers. 

PS: This is just for entertainment and is not meant to hurt political sentiments or the feelings of the Himesh fans as well.

Indian Political League

To reduce the competition on the IPL, the BCCI made sure that the ICL was knocked out. Then came the Champion’s League- a faint copy of the football format. How can I not use the word copy when it comes to our nation. The jugaad and the cultures are what we originally have discovered, along with various intellectual stuff, but that’s another matter altogether.

Well well, let me get back on track. The BCCI had received inside information early this year that the IPL was going to get competition, so they brought Srini Mama down, and got a new chief. Then there was the shift to Dubai in order to make people get the interest, then the fixing scandals and what not. Come on now, that’s how you earn!

Sorry to say, nothing worked out. All thanks to the other IPL going on within the nation, and with all the news channels broadcasting it 24/7, I must say that the sports league has failed.

I just mentioned another IPL. Can you guess what I meant by that? Oh yes, I am back to my ways. Even with 10 or so days remaining in the elections, here I am with a report of the case filed by the BCCI on the nation with the reason being intent to copy and impersonate. Well, I wouldn’t blame them! Their well-oiled money machine just started creaking, didn’t it? They need the machine back on track to keep filling their pockets, and there walks in Srini Mama with his hat held low for funds…no wait! It’s full already, so I’d suggest we start taking out some for ourselves.

IPL. The sensation of the nation. There is no main head, or leader who has organized it, but we can say that it is controlled by the head of the team who has won it most times, the Congress!

Now you are really confused, and you’re wondering how the Congress came in here. Well, IPL stands for the Indian Political League.

Dhyan se dekhiye isse! Yehi hai voh jisne dekh ke kaam aur janta ki seva ko khel mein badal diya hai!

 The BCCI has said that the format, including the teams has been copied. They have also said that the controversies have all been made up to attract more attention to them and to flop the Indian Premier League.

The exact list has not been declared to the public, but here is a speculation of what it will be.

Let’s start with the Congress. No need of thought to make the link there. Crystal clear, the Chennai Super Kings has been replaced by the Congress in the Indian Political League. With their stellar performances from the first season, and their band of international players, this side has continued to impress their fans. Reaching the semi-finals in every edition, this side has had its name dampened by various fixing scandals. The knockout blow is delivered by the fact that they have a line which links them clearly to the head and director of the league and that is true also for the Congress, with Sonia Gandhi pulling all the shots across the nation.

The easiest decision to make was for the Aam Aadmi Party. Having problems with the system is the most basic similarity, and this party pays homage to the evicted team, Pune Warriors India. Affecting almost everyone with their wonderful records, this side tried quite hard to succeed, but ended up getting nothing. Their entrance, and their departure caused no one any harm, and nor did anyone care to miss them.

Here’s where research was needed in order to establish the correct linkage, but here it comes.

The BJP are for the Political League as the Rajasthan Royals are for the Premier League. Having won it a long time back, they have been favorites, and they have also been praised for their big heart in bringing out talents like Sanju Samson. Such players are the Gujarats of the BJP, or should I say NaMo. The BJP has also been scalded with the flying mud of corruption and toffees, and so have the double Rs with Kundra being named in the fixing scam initially.

The Shiv Sena being a completely Maharashtrian party, have taken to being the Mumbai Indians. Reigning without a single fear under the rule of the legendary Bal Thackeray, the Mumbai Indians, as the SS, won the last cricket league season. Now with the loss of their leaders (Bal Thackeray for the SS and Sachin Tendulkar for MI), both of them have been brought down on their knees. But yes, their support seems never ending, and they keep slugging on.

What could describe the Royal Challengers Bangalore? Ah yes, the MNS. Having the firepower with Raj Thackeray at the head of the table, the MNS have had quite a lot of brushes with the people, and have gone on only due to the fact that they instill a sense of fear in their opponents. Seeing Raj Thackeray talk with Arnab and Rajdeep made this choice quite easy for me. Other similarities would be that the RCB has great players who can have magnanimous impacts, but they have not managed to leave a mark on the grand prize.

The Kings of Punjab and the SP are what I find quite similar. Winning on the base of outside support, the SP has close allegiance with the Congress, and KXIP has been seen to win only at the hands of Maxwell, Miller and other foreign players. Here the similarities end, as the SP has been covered in controversies, but the Punjab side has yet to be brought under the black curtain.

The BSP seem quite similar to the Kolkata Knight Riders. Having performed some sweeps, the 2 seem similar on records. The KKR has won once, but then have returned to their bad ways from the next moment onwards. With SRK as their leader, the KKR have had loads of ads on television, or we can say public display. The BSP leader, Mayawati has done the same by erecting her statues all throughout her state.

Lastly comes the RJD headed by Lalu Yadav which is the SRH/DC of the Premier League. The Sunrisers were formed due to changed leadership, as was with the RJD. They too have not had a lot of effect on the results, disregarding their win in the second edition.

DD did not strike any chord in my head, so I leave that place blank. You can make your own teams, and can paste them down in the comments section, and we shall discuss at length on it.

To the BCCI and to the political parties I have named, this is just an attempt to make you laugh, and if any case is filed on the matter of lifting from the Indian Premier League, then I am not to be blamed. But yes, do try and laugh your guts out. I’m off, because Bulaava Aaya Hai.

Aaj ki Taaza Khabar

Arvind Kejriwal shuns 2 States and says that if he becomes PM, he will ban such films which spread false sentiments and encourage the youth to fall in love while studying.

As AK-49 was about to go on stage for his show on Kapil after RaGa managed to leave his mark there, he saw the trio of stars from the movie, and thus decided to keep his appearance on hold. After searching hard, he managed to get a good torrent for the movie, and due to his mango man status, it took him 2 days to download it.

A spokesperson for the Aam Aadmi Party said, “Mr. Kejriwal has cancelled his visit to CNWK owing to the fact that he invites such boring people to his show, who do vulgar things in the open. It took so much time for him to download the film, but it got over so fast, and it wasted time as well. Mr. Kejriwal is working on his statement and will be down shortly.”

Till we get Mr. Kejriwal on the satellite link, there is some more news which has just come in. The BJP has continued its assault on the Gandhi family and Mr. Modi has gone on to state that what is happening is completely sexist.

As NaMo logged on to read his competitors interview on CNWK (Click Here), he was shocked to see that a major blogging community site known as Indiblogger was plagued by events and competitions which were especially for women.

In his statement, Mr. Modi said, “Bhaiyon, yeh galat hai. Blogging ek aisa sutra hai jahan koi rok nahi hai, aur issi ke kaaran, jijaji jaise logon ne yahan kabsa karke rakha hai. Yeh log meri beheno ko lagataar mauke de rahe hai prize jeetne ka, par bhaiyon kya ye sahi hai?

“Mitron, pehle unhone apne haathon se dusre blogging community pe se logon ko manifesto likhne bulaya, aur fir har jagah aise female oriented contest faila diye. Forums pe bhi bahut charcha hone ke baad, meine yeh faisla kiya hai ke iske piche kisi bade aadmi ka ‘haath’ hai. Mere hisaab se toh jijaji ka hi kaam hai yeh.”

On being asked if this was one of the places where the Congress party was doing good women empowerment, he went on to say that, “But what about those guys who burn their midnight oil to participate and then do not get anything? In various contests, prizes have all gone to women. That is wrong.”

The Congress has responded by saying that they are ready to bring a quota in the field of blogging, and they will make sure that every blogger is paid for his efforts.

Meanwhile, the satellite link with Mr. Kejriwal is ready. Mr. Kejriwal, welcome to our show.

“Thank you for this welcome. I want to say that I’m a very simple man. I don’t get high internet speed, and after seeing Alia Bhatt and Arjun Kapur on the sets of Kapil’s show, I decided to download this movie. It took me so much time to download it, but it was only of 2.5 hours, and by removing those copied songs, it was even less. At the start, they showed Gujarat, but where was the development? I am sure that the writer was paid money to write this story in Gujarat.

“I must say that such false things must not be shown publicly. Even I have done IIT but I did not bunk lectures, and nor did I frolic with my professor’s daughter. These years are for studying and not for enjoying, and by showing such vulgar things the youth gets encouragement. It is very wrong.

“I am going to talk with the censor board to ban such stereotypical films, which sound too good to be true, and are just a waste of time. If they will not listen to me, I will go on a dharna against such films.

“The whole film was a lie and I think Congress had a hand in it as the dialogues were same from the book, so the script writing part had to be done by some close member. I could not see Arjun and Alia anywhere on the screen! All I saw was Abhishek and Kareena. I will get to the bottom of this, and if not, I will do dharna.”

Thank you Mr. Kejriwal. In a typed statement, he has condemned the songs and said they were copied and their placement was just to irritate the audience. Mr. Kejriwal has currently put a hold on visiting any TV show, but the BJP is talking with various famous show hosts.