Burai Ko Tode Hai...Hum

I have written a lot about Bollywood, Hollywood, politics, and what not in attempts to create some humor, some satire; just a try to tickle your funny bones. My writing curve has gone down exponentially, and the frequency of posts has quite so reduced to a trickle of what it used to be. Well, exams do take a toll on activities, and writing is what usually takes the cut for me, seeing the amount of time it takes to think up a post, and then read, re-read and then again re-read before putting it here.

After a thoughtful weekend, as I opened my nonexistent textbook of mechanics, I managed to convince myself to do it. “I must write,” I said to myself, and at that moment I knew what I had to write on.

The past week was a blur, with time being just like those flashes portrayed in Interstellar. The massive pressure of mathematics, coupled with football, and a tiny issue I brought upon myself, apparently at the wrong time- Breaking Bad.

Now what can I say about that. Last weekend I finished season 1, in less than a day, and the whole week went in waiting for the next season (my exams are it seems, more important for them than they are for me). All I did was bury myself in those sums and equations, and all I saw were those serials which my grandmother watches. I pity myself.

A senior citizen racing through the streets with her daughter-in-law for her granddaughters, who have been kidnapped, on an Activa decked in the whole ‘shaadi ka joda’ complete with jewelry, and touched up with the 3 Idiots helmet; not to mention the fact that she jumps out of the window and runs for her life, when she can’t walk straight due to pain in her knee.

This is what we have here, and elsewhere, we have classics like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, The Big Bang Theory, Friends, and all those names I’m forgetting. I’ve written on what Game of Thrones would be if made in India, and now it’s time for Breaking Bad to visualize its worst copy made, ever. (The most insane ideas come during exams, and I’m not sorry to say, it’s fun to take that extra risk and write that one post more, than study those couple of hours. Shh…don’t tell mommy.)

Starting with the title, which is completely ruined way better than what it presently is: ‘Burai Ko Tode Hai…Hum’. That keeps it in the league of all those serials going on right now on Indian television, and the Bhojpuri touch takes it above them as it presumably involves the language. Now, who could have imagined Bhojpuri Breaking Bad!

Methamphetamine- the substance being cooked in the original series. But it’s really farfetched to even think that Indian serial makers have that much substance inside their heads to use crystal meth and chemistry to such effect. So, here we have a new product on the market- Rajnigandha.

‘Muh mein Rajnigandha, kadmo mein duniya.’

The slogan is said in another context, but the drug connection makes it sound fine too.

Let’s get down to business. As I do in each post, I’m going to work on who becomes who. The first match was the easiest and it’s quite self-explanatory too. and with all those posts I’ve done you will be able to make the guess yourself. ACP Pradyuman for the role of Hank Schrader. Well, the whole of the CID team replaces the DEA squad. Their record is soon impeccable, and they don’t face any obstacles in their cases. A scene to remember: Tortuga’s head on a tortoise/turtle, I don’t know which, and I don’t care which, blowing up in the middle of the desert:

ACP (on seeing the head): My God, yeh kya hai!

Abhijeet: Sir, lagta hai gala kaatke maara hai.

ACP: Bahut berehmi se katl kia hai khooni ne. Aaspaas dekho kuch milta hai kya.

A blast ensues and in the original, there were a lot of physical injuries as well as a lot of mental trauma sustained, but here, not a soul gets injured. Well, the CID is unbeatable, invincible, and uhmm…unavailable, in Breaking Bad that is.

Marie Schrader, Hank’s wife and Skyler’s sister, would and could be played by any of those vamps from Indian television. Those cruel faces, tons of makeup, and those meager dialogues and bad habits. Sums up Marie I guess, talking about the shoplifting or her views during family meetings, the high self proclamation, and those moments of meanness like running the car over a kid’s toy-pure evil.

Seeing that the vamp role is taken by her sister, Skyler follows in being somewhat the same, but in a different manner. Dominating, manipulative, aggressive, overly selfish, and very keen to get back at others, Skyler would fit into the roles of one of those equally evil mother-in-laws of Indian television. 2 words for her: mainstream and boring. Personal note: I would rather skip her scenes and ignore her presence.

Walter Jr.- a 15 year old with cerebral palsy, who gets kicked aside and made fun off by everyone including his father when he’s made to drink three shots of tequila. That’s not quite different from the pitied good daughter-in-laws of Indian soaps, or those sons who do not know what conspires in the house after their departure. Well, they are fun to watch, aren’t they? Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.

Last but not the least. Walter White. The lead of the whole series, he could only be played by one of the greatest and finest actors of India, Amitabh Bachchan. A look similar to that of Amitabh in Paa, and a persona relating to the family man in K3G, along with the leadership and shrewd business skills of Sarkar. Cutting off the humor for a moment, I would love to say that none of the current guild of young actors could fit in and display such immense talent- not now, not ever.

There are those other characters who are more important than the one I’m going to mention, but he does deserve a moment here- Hector ‘Tio’ Salamanca. With his bell and pug face, he could have been played by a pug, but I’d rather have him brought in from the States in order to hold intact the feel of his role.

 

Hector 'Tio' Salamanca

The scene takes place in the interrogation room, with Jesse Jassi is seated and in come the DEA CID.

ACP: Jassi, tum bhale kabool na karo. Par hum tumse karva kar rahenge. Hamare paas saboot hai tumhare vahan hone ke. Abhijeet, le aao usse.

In comes Tio.

Jassi: Yeh kya batayega mere baare mein. Isse toh khud nahi paata ke hum konse grah par hai.

ACP: Zara bataiye, kya hum Mangal grah par hai?

Tio:

ACP: Kya hum Shani pe hai?

Tio:

ACP: Kya hum Prithvi par hai?

Tio: Ding.

ACP: Toh yeh baat hai. Iska matlab samjhe Daya?

Daya: Kya sir?

ACP: Yeh haan ke badle 1 ghanti bajata hai, varna kuch nahi. Hai na Tio ji?

Tio (a smile on his dog face): Ding.

Tio (in his mind): Meri nurse bhi bata deti yeh toh.

ACP: Kya yeh uss din aapke ghar aaya tha?

Tio:

ACP: Dariye mat, kuch nahi hoga aapko, bass aap haan ya na bata dijiye.

Tio:

Abhijeet: Sir, isne 17 saal jail mein ana muh nahi khola, aur ab kholega?

Tio (in his mind): Vohi toh takle ACP. Mujhse tujhe sirf 1 chij milegi.

ACP: Haan Abhijeet haan.

Tio (turns and almost falls. He dirties his pants and the room in the original, and considering the movement of the hands): Abe ACP, yeh le Babaji ka Thullu.

I’ll end here, and I must say that I should now study. Did you like the post?

 

An answer to my question

PS: This post was just for purposes of entertainment and wasn’t meant to hurt any sentiments.

Antar-Taarkiya

The 1^st thing I did was save the blank word document in the name as it is now. Google translate, thank you for helping me out there. So the title basically in English is ‘Inter-stellar’. The movie is, as the title goes, and as usual too, out of the world. Performances and a story which takes it to the high it is at, the movie is literally out of the world, and is a must watch, on a disclaimer that you know the basics of physics- Newton’s Laws, the Theory of Relativity, the basic definitions of black holes, worm holes, time, space, and I guess I haven’t missed anything major. Just open your mind, and sharpen your brain, and be ready to think, dream, and experience the unexplored expanses of time, matter, galaxies, and uhm…the fifth dimension.

So, if this is a review, then what’s with the Hindi title and the translation? Poetry is tiring, and then there come those brainwaves, which just sweep you off your feet, suck away your breath, and make you feel light- just like floating, head down. This is one, I hope it is, and I hope that at the end of it, you feel that it was good too. It won’t can’t be as good as the actual, (I’m not Nolan), but, just a try.

This is all about the year 2020. 6 years, ‘cause that’s how much it takes for a Hollywood movie to be copied to Bollywood. Imagining Hollywood at that time is such a pleasure. Robert Downey Jr. has officially changed his name to Tony Stark; Christopher Nolan is making a movie about the particles involved in somescientificeffectwehaveneverheardoff; Leonardo DiCaprio gets nominated for the Oscars for every year from 2014 to 2020, but he still doesn’t have the honor of taking the Lady home; well, that list is so creative, and enjoyable.

Bollywood in 2020. Dhoom 6 is being made, and Uday Chopra is the main hero; Krish 21 is in production, well, they like skipping numbers in between; the 2 mentioned movies go on to earn 500 crores; Salman and Shahrukh have stopped their fight, and are down to just slapping each other in front of the media; Rohit Shetty is now a physics professor and writes books about how Newton and his laws were wrong; Bollywood is now officially known as Copywood, with all movies being copied from different languages. With the creativity right now, I guess this is inevitable.

Within all those copies, Antar-taarkiya is launched. The movie is set in a time when the world is ending, and there is next to no hope for the human race to survive. The hero has lost his wife, and whenever he remembers her, he gets tears in his eyes (unless his eyes are naturally like that), and in the background plays the old characteristic slow song, obviously sung by Arijit Singh.

All of a sudden, the hero meets his old idol, and thus happens the milan. Without any talks, the hero is given a mission, something which would save humanity and get it out from the void of extinction- collection of data to decide which city would be best to survive. (Yes, even when the world is going down, these cities can’t be destroyed, even by nature.)

As usual, the city suited for the job happens to be Mumbai. The climax involves the hero jumping through black holes and wormholes potholes to get to his destination and to get the job done. Well, relativity is too complex a factor to depict, and thus it is replaced by the usual coma, which, in this case, stops the hero’s age from increasing. There are those prayers, and hysterical crying, and the tears, which add to the drama. Now that would be something to watch.

There are sudden songs which are just added to provide employment to music directors and singers (at least RaGa could influence someone). The cliché- even in the barren city, there are the background dancers, who vanish to be never seen as soon as the song ends. Wow, that was so Nolan-ish.

Coming to think of it, Bollywood could literally do this, and well, the movie would earn around 400 crores depending on the star cast, and the level of promotions.

And, the most remembered dialogue of the movie, “Maut se darr nahi lagta, waqt se lagta hai.” (I’m not afraid of death, I’m afraid of time.)

I hope no Bollywood fanatic gets up and says that Nolan copied this from Dabbangg.

Halfway through, I sent this to a friend, and he was offended, so I dedicate the PS note to him, and all those like him, who become, as I usually say, bhavuk.

PS: This post is just for the purpose of entertainment. There are no spoilers, hopefully; and this is not basically a review, except for the first paragraph. It is just for entertainment, a try at humor, which practically does sum up Bollywood, and its stereotypes. A mention that no political sentiments were to be hurt too (just because of that RaGa mention).

PPS: This movie is a must watch, for anyone and everyone. Do NOT dare to skip it.

Xposure

My basic plan this time was to take some of Hollywood and to thrash that up. With half a post done, I came across this soon-to-come masterpiece being made by Bollywood. Bollywood, you never disappoint me, do you?

This awesome film has completely amazed me even before its release. I apologize for calling the Roshans the biggest and most efficient copycats of Bollywood with Krish 3, but I now have someone to replace them. The best copy award goes to the stalwart, the all rounder of Bollywood, Mr. Himesh ‘Nosey’ Reshamiya.

I need to interrupt this post right here to give you some news. Leonardo DiCaprio has just passed away. The creators of the Nirma ad, Super Lyricist Gulzar Sahab, and Rap God Eminem have all decided to leave the world in order to get enlightened about making songs from the Great Gods. The reasons behind this decision and the premature death are still coming in from around the globe.

We have confirmed that Leo’s death was caused by seeing some posters and the start of the trailer of ‘The Xpose’. There is speculation that these were so awesome that Leo felt the need to walk away from the world at that moment. Some more news coming in! The Oscar Jury has given an Oscar to a Bollywood movie, that to in the middle of the year, in the category of Best Cheap Copy Film of the year. The Oscar Jury was not available for comment on this decision, and Himesh Reshamiya has been spotted holding the Lady high and dancing while Yo Yo Honey Singh has decided to use some English in his next song.

Mere jaisa baby yahan koi nahi,

Mujhe pata hai tu kal soi nahi,

Sabko pata hai tujhe ho gaya love,

Sachi bata de ho gaya kab.

No. Do not misunderstand me. I’m not trying to flirt, nor am I trying to undermine readers by behaving cheaply. If you felt bad, then please check out Ice Cream! The summer offers on ice cream have come and the grand offer is: Have an Ice Cream and get a chance to travel to Kashmir! Amul and Havmor have attached a clause at the end which says that the person needs to hear the Ice Cream song from The Xpose to the last bar in order to travel to Kashmir, but local ice cream sellers have shut down their shops after they heard this line being sung in a song.

I’m just drifting away from the topic. Returning back to what I had begun, I must say that before 2 States and any of the movies which are going to release in the vacations, I have decided that I will be seeing The Xpose first day, first show.

So, The Xpose. Releasing on 23^rd May, this movie is about exposure. Not the bad kind, but the kind which is embarrassing. I did not wish to read the plot once I saw the trailer and the posters. No, they aren’t that bad, it’s just that I want to hold the suspense for myself. The Xpose exposes the levels to which Bollywood can fall to. This film takes everything as an inspiration, and that is the USP.

The poster and the original

From the posters, to the songs, to some specific shots; this is what is inspired in the film. I must applaud at the thoughts of the creation team (if there was one), on being so original about it.

  

A still

The new dimension of copying is visible in the trailer too as it is somewhat completely similar from The Great Gatsby.

Leo has been taken up by Himesh ‘Nosey’ Reshamiya, so it’s no wonder that Leo’s heart stopped on seeing the mere first shot. The shock of not getting an Oscar for Wolf Of Wall Street and now this top notch news brought together and added to take Leo away from this world of ours. Let’s hold a 2 minute silence for the great star.

The songs have been copied quite nakedly and without a drop of shame falling on the floor. Be it old or new, the copying has been done alike, and the old lyricists and music directors would surely wish to curse bless Himesh for making their songs more awesome. In order to get a hit finally, Himesh has also copied songs from the Aashiqui 2 album, the Nirma song, Dhan Te Nan of Kaminey, and the title track of Cash, whose music matched the tune at the start of Pulp Fiction.

#MotherOfCopying

Honest creators from Bollywood have all decided to keep quiet on this issue. At the same time, Himesh has fallen into the Oscar winning hangover and he is currently on a spree of watching movies to copy from. Yo Yo Honey Singh has gone back to his studio with a dictionary in hand and it is thought that he may come up with an English rap the next time. There could also be the inclusion of Nimbu Paani due to the hot summer and the current use of ice cream.

All I want to say is: Kya baat, kya baat, kya baat.

Copy kiya hai isne, par nahi khayega yeh gaali,

Banda hai yeh apna, iske liye zara thoko taali.

Just go through this video which acted as a catalyst to make me write this piece.

Do send in your condolences for all the great men whose hard work has just been destroyed by typing in the comment box below.