Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Burai Ko Tode Hai...Hum

I have written a lot about Bollywood, Hollywood, politics, and what not in attempts to create some humor, some satire; just a try to tickle your funny bones. My writing curve has gone down exponentially, and the frequency of posts has quite so reduced to a trickle of what it used to be. Well, exams do take a toll on activities, and writing is what usually takes the cut for me, seeing the amount of time it takes to think up a post, and then read, re-read and then again re-read before putting it here.

After a thoughtful weekend, as I opened my nonexistent textbook of mechanics, I managed to convince myself to do it. “I must write,” I said to myself, and at that moment I knew what I had to write on.

The past week was a blur, with time being just like those flashes portrayed in Interstellar. The massive pressure of mathematics, coupled with football, and a tiny issue I brought upon myself, apparently at the wrong time- Breaking Bad.

Now what can I say about that. Last weekend I finished season 1, in less than a day, and the whole week went in waiting for the next season (my exams are it seems, more important for them than they are for me). All I did was bury myself in those sums and equations, and all I saw were those serials which my grandmother watches. I pity myself.

A senior citizen racing through the streets with her daughter-in-law for her granddaughters, who have been kidnapped, on an Activa decked in the whole ‘shaadi ka joda’ complete with jewelry, and touched up with the 3 Idiots helmet; not to mention the fact that she jumps out of the window and runs for her life, when she can’t walk straight due to pain in her knee.

This is what we have here, and elsewhere, we have classics like Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, The Big Bang Theory, Friends, and all those names I’m forgetting. I’ve written on what Game of Thrones would be if made in India, and now it’s time for Breaking Bad to visualize its worst copy made, ever. (The most insane ideas come during exams, and I’m not sorry to say, it’s fun to take that extra risk and write that one post more, than study those couple of hours. Shh…don’t tell mommy.)

Starting with the title, which is completely ruined way better than what it presently is: ‘Burai Ko Tode Hai…Hum’. That keeps it in the league of all those serials going on right now on Indian television, and the Bhojpuri touch takes it above them as it presumably involves the language. Now, who could have imagined Bhojpuri Breaking Bad!

Methamphetamine- the substance being cooked in the original series. But it’s really farfetched to even think that Indian serial makers have that much substance inside their heads to use crystal meth and chemistry to such effect. So, here we have a new product on the market- Rajnigandha.

‘Muh mein Rajnigandha, kadmo mein duniya.’

The slogan is said in another context, but the drug connection makes it sound fine too.

Let’s get down to business. As I do in each post, I’m going to work on who becomes who. The first match was the easiest and it’s quite self-explanatory too. and with all those posts I’ve done you will be able to make the guess yourself. ACP Pradyuman for the role of Hank Schrader. Well, the whole of the CID team replaces the DEA squad. Their record is soon impeccable, and they don’t face any obstacles in their cases. A scene to remember: Tortuga’s head on a tortoise/turtle, I don’t know which, and I don’t care which, blowing up in the middle of the desert:

ACP (on seeing the head): My God, yeh kya hai!
Abhijeet: Sir, lagta hai gala kaatke maara hai.
ACP: Bahut berehmi se katl kia hai khooni ne. Aaspaas dekho kuch milta hai kya.

A blast ensues and in the original, there were a lot of physical injuries as well as a lot of mental trauma sustained, but here, not a soul gets injured. Well, the CID is unbeatable, invincible, and uhmm…unavailable, in Breaking Bad that is.

Marie Schrader, Hank’s wife and Skyler’s sister, would and could be played by any of those vamps from Indian television. Those cruel faces, tons of makeup, and those meager dialogues and bad habits. Sums up Marie I guess, talking about the shoplifting or her views during family meetings, the high self proclamation, and those moments of meanness like running the car over a kid’s toy-pure evil.

Seeing that the vamp role is taken by her sister, Skyler follows in being somewhat the same, but in a different manner. Dominating, manipulative, aggressive, overly selfish, and very keen to get back at others, Skyler would fit into the roles of one of those equally evil mother-in-laws of Indian television. 2 words for her: mainstream and boring. Personal note: I would rather skip her scenes and ignore her presence.

Walter Jr.- a 15 year old with cerebral palsy, who gets kicked aside and made fun off by everyone including his father when he’s made to drink three shots of tequila. That’s not quite different from the pitied good daughter-in-laws of Indian soaps, or those sons who do not know what conspires in the house after their departure. Well, they are fun to watch, aren’t they? Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.

Last but not the least. Walter White. The lead of the whole series, he could only be played by one of the greatest and finest actors of India, Amitabh Bachchan. A look similar to that of Amitabh in Paa, and a persona relating to the family man in K3G, along with the leadership and shrewd business skills of Sarkar. Cutting off the humor for a moment, I would love to say that none of the current guild of young actors could fit in and display such immense talent- not now, not ever.

There are those other characters who are more important than the one I’m going to mention, but he does deserve a moment here- Hector ‘Tio’ Salamanca. With his bell and pug face, he could have been played by a pug, but I’d rather have him brought in from the States in order to hold intact the feel of his role.
Hector 'Tio' Salamanca
The scene takes place in the interrogation room, with Jesse Jassi is seated and in come the DEA CID.

ACP: Jassi, tum bhale kabool na karo. Par hum tumse karva kar rahenge. Hamare paas saboot hai tumhare vahan hone ke. Abhijeet, le aao usse.

In comes Tio.

Jassi: Yeh kya batayega mere baare mein. Isse toh khud nahi paata ke hum konse grah par hai.
ACP: Zara bataiye, kya hum Mangal grah par hai?
ACP: Kya hum Shani pe hai?
ACP: Kya hum Prithvi par hai?
Tio: Ding.
ACP: Toh yeh baat hai. Iska matlab samjhe Daya?
Daya: Kya sir?
ACP: Yeh haan ke badle 1 ghanti bajata hai, varna kuch nahi. Hai na Tio ji?
Tio (a smile on his dog face): Ding.
Tio (in his mind): Meri nurse bhi bata deti yeh toh.
ACP: Kya yeh uss din aapke ghar aaya tha?
ACP: Dariye mat, kuch nahi hoga aapko, bass aap haan ya na bata dijiye.
Abhijeet: Sir, isne 17 saal jail mein ana muh nahi khola, aur ab kholega?
Tio (in his mind): Vohi toh takle ACP. Mujhse tujhe sirf 1 chij milegi.
ACP: Haan Abhijeet haan.
Tio (turns and almost falls. He dirties his pants and the room in the original, and considering the movement of the hands): Abe ACP, yeh le Babaji ka Thullu.

I’ll end here, and I must say that I should now study. Did you like the post?
An answer to my question
PS: This post was just for purposes of entertainment and wasn’t meant to hurt any sentiments.

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